At a press conference on Thursday, representatives from Taco Bell warned consumers that patterns related to global climate change could affect the availability of the rubbery green carbon-based substance used as the base of the company’s guacamole. In effect, this would force the fast-food chain to raise the price of the popular item or remove it from its menu entirely, leaving patrons worldwide unsatisfied and plumbers across America with far fewer toilets to fix.
Andrew Philippe, the company’s media director, told reporters, “We know that Americans love good food, great service, and a healthy dose of polymethylmethacrylate. Plus, we have a long history of making deep sacrifices on behalf of our customers; whether it was our move from beef to soy-chunk meat product in the 90’s or our transition from salsa to red paint in 2011, we’ve always been ready to do whatever it takes to keep hungry Americans happy. In this case, though, our hands are really tied.”
Reaction across the nation has included confusion, sadness, and questions of whether this means the drive through won’t be open after 2am anymore on Saturdays, because a dude needs a late night burrito sometimes, you know?
Taking a bite out of a spicy enchilada from his town’s Taco Bell, local hairdresser Harvey Williams offered, “Heck, I ain’t mad. It’s about darn time them Arabs stopped trying to make us American folk eat their food. They can take their guacy-moley and march right back to Micronesia for all I care.”
Before providing further insight, though, Williams rushed to the bathroom with complaints of stomach cramps. He returned to inform us that he had found the lid of a Coke bottle in his stool, and further investigation into the uneaten half of his dinner revealed the presence of an empty water balloon, three Lego bricks, and a miniature Power Rangers action figure. Taco Bell refused to address the issue specifically, but insisted that it would make sure to maintain the high quality of product Americans know and love.