Handing down a landmark ruling on Tuesday, the Supreme Court asserted not just that corporations are people, but that they are, in fact, attractive women.
Justice Clarence “Did I Stutter?” Thomas wrote on behalf of the majority, “The Fourteenth Amendment guarantees equal protection to all men and women. It’s obvious that this also includes private companies, and it’s clearly implied that these firms are pretty ladies. I mean, think about it; if multinationals and investment banks aren’t foxy babes, then why are so many college students trying to get into one?”
Justice Scalia, who voted in favor of the ruling, added, “They have unbelievable assets, tons of connections, and no need to ever give you the time of day. Anyone who can’t see the connection between an average corporation and that cheerleader Becky you used to stare at in high school is blind to the Founding Fathers’ intentions.”
Of course, not all were so gung-ho about the ruling. Writing as the leader of the dissent, Justice Sotomayor asked, “Could a corporation not also be a cute guy? I, for one, have always imagined Unilever as a George Clooney type.”