Representatives of the notorious feminist advocacy network Femen took to the streets of San Francisco on Monday to protest the city’s “rampant disrespect” for women who “just want to go for a freaking jog before work, okay asshole?”
The radical protesters told reporters that their extremist demands included requiring that men whistle at women walking down the street no more than twice at a time, keep their eyes at or above the level of a woman’s chin for at least 50% of a given conversation, and try to make some semblance of an effort to hide their erections in the workplace.
“We’re done playing nice” said one protester, “From now on, there will be no more random dowry offers or attempts to get me to go with you to the coat closet at my own freaking grandma’s funeral. We don’t need your permission- we’re ushering in an era where a woman like me can actually just watch a movie with a guy friend without getting her boobs squeezed, get paid at least eighty cents to the male dollar, and have her boyfriend make his own freaking sandwich for once.”
The crowd was a rowdy one, with chants of “We will take back the night! Or at least the late afternoon!” audible from blocks away and signs proclaiming, “Keep your laws out of my uterus unless you’re totally sure!” and “We demand equality or at least a 63/35 compromise!” prominent.
Local men, of course, simply shook their heads at the women’s clear irrationality and naiveté. “I’m calling it eighty percent odds that those signs have nothing to do with pork or football” said local plumber Jerry Schmaltz, “and those girls all look like they aren’t in the mood to flash me their boobies. So whatever they’re yellin’ about don’t concern me none.”
A woman broke from the crows to scold Schmaltz’s “animalistic insensitivity” and “obsolete perception of gender roles”, to which he responded, “I don’t know what none of them words were, but does that mean you want to give me a blowie?” The plumber shrugged confusedly as the protester stormed back into the crowd.