Field Report: White Boy Very Bad at Jamaican Accent

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Try as Jimmy Beasley may at school on Tuesday, his impression of the Jamaican man he had met at the park the previous day continued to suck.

“Ey, mah dewd” he said as his friends’ giggles turned to concerned stares, “I eez a real Jaimay-can. I hava dred locks and I live in King-stahn. Cause I eez a real Jaimay-can.”

Unsure of whom Jimmy was trying to imitate, one friend worriedly asked if he meant to imply that the man he met was a first generation Mexican-American who worked as a pirate. Others in his third grade class asked what a Jamaica was, or why Jimmy was so intent upon perpetuating xenophobic caricatures of marginalized ethnic groups.

Jimmy himself reported, “This man I saw talked all funny like, and I just was thinkin’ that I wanna show my friends. Man, it was harder than that time I tried to do the Dougie dance. I guess I should just stop trying and focus on practicing basketball; at least I can pretend that I’m Steve Nash when I do that.”

Others were less sympathetic. Tigana Marshall, a Jamaican-American in Jimmy’s class, noted, “His latent racism is appalling, bruv. Alla te whitey white rude boiz mek mi fil na goo, widda de joke lol. In short, we need to reevaluate sensitivity education among children. It really is a pressing issue.”

Sources close to the incident report that Jimmy has moved past it, and his friends disclosed that plans have been made to prevent him from meeting anyone from Ireland, China, or the Deep South. The risk of having to endure another impression, they agreed, was simply too great.

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